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I really don’t know how to say this any other way. My dog decided to talk to me the other night and he had a lot to say.
It initially played like any other night really. Once again, I was tossing and turning, in and out of sleep. I was half awake, mulling over my job situation: I want to make money writing but I need an income more. Then the most bizarre thing happened.
“Hey human Bob! This is your best friend speaking! Wake up!”
Who the hell was that? It was a deep, low voice; strong and certain with a hint of a bourbon induced slur. Sounded like Dean Martin actually. I immediately sat up. It was pitch black. The radio clock blurred 3:53 in a dull crimson light. All I could make out was the shadowy outline of Parker, my trusty beagle, sitting upright at my feet.
“Hey boy, did you hear that?” I whispered instinctively. “Someone’s in the house.”
My vision was starting to warm up to the darkness. Parker just stared back at me, his head tilted, his long ears hanging to the side of his head like hand towels on a wall. He turned his head to the bedroom doorway, lifted his nose to the night and sniffed. He turned back to face me.
“Don’t think so.”
I swore Parker spoke but it couldn’t be. I mean his hound drawn lips seemed to move to the words I heard but that was impossible.
“Who’s there?” I yelled into the night. “Whoever it is, I am warning you that I am at this moment retrieving my loaded double-barrel twelve gauge from under the bed. I will shoot you. So leave now and I want to hear the door slam behind you.”
I made some dumb noises in a lame attempt to fool the intruder into believing what I had just proclaimed. I took the ruse to the next level.
“Okay. I’m fully armed and about to call 911 from my fully powered cell phone. Oh yeah, strong signal, four bars. Oh yeah, this is going to be a very clear 911 call.”
“You’re breaking me up. Put the phone down human Bob.”
It was Parker talking. I was certain of it. Nah, it had to be a sick trick.
“Okay, good one Steve. You wired up the dog with a little speaker. Very funny.”
My brother Steve was known to go to great lengths to pull off pranks. But I was pretty sure he was at his apartment in the city, sixty miles away, God knows doing what, and at 48 years old, unlikely to suddenly bother me with a prank—it had been 25 years since his last one. But the mind scrambles to the most implausible scenarios when so duly challenged.
“Don’t think so. Nope it’s me, Parker,” the dog mumbled.
I was positive he spoke again. By now I was sitting straight up, leaning towards him. He just sat there and looked at me with those big dark eyes. His poker face was on.
“Parker? Are you talking to me?”
“Well I’m not talking to myself.”
I leaned back against the headboard. He yawned.
“This can’t be. I’ve got to stop watching Animal Planet.”
“Listen, I’ve got something to say and I’m not sure how long this talking stuff is going to work so …”
“You are talking!” I interrupted incredulously.
“Should you want I bow wow?”
“Holy cow! Parker you are talking.”
“Yup. But I’m not sure for how long. So can I say a few things before …”
“I can’t believe this.”
“Yeah I know. Either can I but if you don’t mind.”
I looked at him with a giant smile plastered across my face. Parker can talk. The dog was talking. Who was I kidding? It had to be a prank. He continued.
“I’ve been listening to a lot of that talk radio and that C-SPAN channel you watch while you write. I’m here to tell ya I don’t like what I’m hearing.”
“You’re kidding me right?”
“Afraid not.”
Oh this was good. I was really hallucinating. Talk-shmalk, I had a few nagging questions of my own.
“Hey, can I ask you something before you get to your stuff?”
“Make it quick. I haven’t got all night.”
“You like smell things a hundred times more than we do, right?”
“Four hundred.”
“Okay, four hundred. Wow! Then I really wonder about this.”
“Yeah I know. Why do we like to sniff every morsel of excrement or yellow patch of urine we encounter on our walks?”
“Now that you bring it up, yeah, why? It must smell like the inside of Dick Cheney’s or Ted Kennedy’s septic tank? And you know how much crap they’re filled with.”
“That was a funny one human Bob. But it isn’t like what you smell. We pick up a lot more notes. It’s a broader pallet if you will. We don’t smell stink. We smell identity, mood, and illness. For instance, you know that crazy cairn terrier down the street?”
“Yeah.”
“She has stomach cancer and her humans don’t have a clue.”
“You are kidding me?”
“She probably has less than six months if they don’t get her to a vet soon.” He paused to lick his right front paw. “Yeah, and another thing. Don’t take me out at nights for awhile.”
“Why?”
“Cause there is a rabid possum living under the porch. That’s why.”
“You know this from the smell of possum poop?”
“Excrement.”
“Whatever.”
“Yup.” Parker yawned as if bored. “So is that it? Can I say what I need to say?”
“Well there is that thing you do with that licking your, you know, your …”
“Penis?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Jealous are we?”
“Well, it’s just that …”
“It’s all about keeping clean. Nothing pleasurable if that’s what you’re driving at. Nothing like what you do with your hand. By the way, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t pet me afterwards. Nope, no pleasure; it’s all business. You made sure of that when you had me “fixed”, remember. Thank you very much.”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I had no idea you knew any different.”
“No idea my butt. I’ll ‘no idea’ ya.” He paused again to lick his right paw again and then continued. “But I don’t hold it against you. We don’t hold grudges. Heck, if we did, we would have mauled most humans dead by now. Which brings me to why I am talking to you.”
“No grudges. Really? I mean that “fixing” stuff is pretty serious. That’s pretty good if that doesn’t bother you.”
“You done? Can I get to my concern?”
“Sure. Sorry. Go ahead.”
“How can humans be so smart supposedly, while they single handedly are destroying the Earth?”
“You mean global warming?”
“It’s more than that. It’s the air. It’s the water. It’s the dirt. It’s the forests. It’s the killing. It’s the anger. It’s the hate. It’s the grudges. It’s the fear. It’s everything.”
“Oh come on. You’re being a little dramatic.”
“We don’t know dramatic.”
“Well give me examples of what you mean.”
“First of all, the air is filled with danger. Dogs, cats, birds, animals of all kinds can smell it. It is our biggest topic when we get together.”
“I don’t smell a thing.”
“Yeah, that’s part of the problem. And you can’t taste the troubled water either.”
“Scientists don’t seem to be complaining. So I should be listening to a dog?”
“We have no agenda. Dogs call it as they smell it.”
“ ‘call it as they smell it’; I’m suppose to just accept that?”
“Yeah, there is a lot you should just accept.”
“Oh yeah, like what else?”
“Well, and here is what I think is the crux of the problem, you keep choosing the wrong alpha humans.”
“What?”
“You’ve got this alpha thing all wrong. Just because animals order their packs based on physical size and strength doesn’t make it so for humans. We do it because we are simple. You do it because you are thoughtless. That’s what we, and I think it is fair to say I am speaking for all animals, don’t get. Humans are able to think things through. But they never do. Well, that’s not completely true; some have but they are mocked or marginalized.
An alpha dog barks and gets all puffy, like that wacky shepherd Sarge from around the block. The worst he can do is break out of his electronic fence and charge one of us. But you humans take it up a notch.”
“Can you give me a for instance?”
“God there are so many. Let me see. Okay, you’ve elected a president who pounds his chest and walks around like a gorilla with its arms all out to the side, all tough and all, carrying on with ‘bring it on’. When he jumps the fence, he brings tanks and bombs and humans loaded down in weapons and in body armor. Meanwhile, you have alpha males all over the place, flexing their muscle in their packs, threatening to obtain nuclear weapons, the great equalizer, giving the president one excuse after another to hop the fence. It’s nuts. And I for one am telling you, you’ve got it all wrong.”
“Well, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Just start picking the right alpha humans; humans whose visions see beyond fighting, whose hearts hold no grudges, whose thoughts and reasons are not the products of testosterone, whose collective knowledge is rooted in the concept that true peace is never the consequence of war but the outcome of constant learning, negotiating and adjusting.”
“This is what you want to tell me? Nothin’ for nothin’ but it’s a little heavy for a little chat with a dog at 3:30 in the morning.”
“In a nut shell, yeah.”
It was hard to accept this from my beagle. I mean, he’s a dog; a sleeping, eating, sniffing, crapping dog. I was chalking this whole episode up to stress. I was apparently snapping.
“That’s it. I’m pretty much done. Just one last thing while I have the chance.”
“What? World hunger? String theory?” I asked sarcastically.
“You get the right alpha humans and the world hunger thing will take care of itself, smart ass. As far as string theory, who do you think I am, Hawking? I’m just a dog. No it’s more pedestrian than that, something I think you can manage.”
“Then what, already?” I asked impatiently.
“You know that thing you do occasionally where you empty the dish washer in the buff.”
“Ummm … yeah I guess.”
“Put some clothes on. It’s disturbing. I’m beggin’ ya, please!”
“All right, but only if you lick your privates in private.”
“I’ll see what I can do. No promises.”
“So this is it? No more talking? You know we could make a fortune on Letterman with his stupid pet tricks.”
“It’ll never happen. You see, this is a one time deal. Not sure why or how this is happening. Maybe that God guy is involved somehow. All I know is that when it is done, it is …” He abruptly stopped talking.
“Parker?”
Not a grunt. He yawned and as he did he stretched his front legs out and spread across the foot of the bed, his ears resting flat on the blanket.
“Parker … are you done? Is that it?”
He slowly closed his eyes and floated off to sleep.
“Parker … just like that?”
He began to twitch; in hot pursuit of a fox I imagined.
“Holy smokes. I must be dreaming myself.”
I curled back down under the safety of my covers, scratched my butt and thought about the conversation I had just had with Parker or myself or both. I sniffed the air. It smelled fine to me. What the heck was he talking about, ‘danger in the air’? It had to be a dream.
As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about getting a real job real soon, apparently this writing stuff was getting the best of me. I also made a point to remember to talk to the owners of that crazy cairn terrier. I thought it was the least I could do. One can’t be too dismissive of the unexplainable these days.
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The liver metabolizes alcohol into acetaldehyde and it is this that can damage the liver, heart and brain. The liver needs to work overtime to eliminate alcohol from the body when alcohol is excessively drunk, this causes fatty degeneration. The liver enlarges due to unprocessed dietary fatty acids because the liver enzymes are too busy metabolize the alcohol. As the liver metabolizes the alcohol, large amount of damaging free radicals are produced within the liver cells. This combined with the enlargement of the liver and the fatty globules deposits eventually turns the liver yellow. If high consumption of alcohol continues then cirrhosis of the liver will occur.
If you are worried about alcohol related illnesses then the first step is to stop drinking. To help with the alcohol withdrawal symptoms of upset stomach, headaches, shakes, anxiety, panic attacks and insomnia it is best to keep to a whole food diet with plenty of fruit, vegetables and wheat germ. Try to consume lots of mineral water, at least a litre a day. Cut out all junk food, caffeine beverages such as coffee, sugar and dairy products.
Milk thistle extract has been shown in trials to protect the liver and it is even been suggested that it may even help the liver to regenerate cells. In the case of cirrhosis of the liver, improvement in liver function has been reported when milk thistle extract is taken. It has also been reported that the Chinese root kudzu can decrease alcohol cravings.
The following supplements may help if you are suffering from Alcohol related problems.
Antioxidant complex
Bone mineral complex
Milk Thistle
Multivitamin and multiminerals
Vitamin B6
Vitamin C
Zinc
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Penis size is a fixation among many men, the mindset being “the bigger the better.” Having a small penis can cause a man to feel insecure, inadequate, and unattractive. It’s no wonder then that a whole industry has emerged to cater to many men’s desire to have the biggest penis in the world, or if not that, at least a substantial increase from what they were born with.
Technically speaking, the distinction of having the biggest penis in the world belongs to the blue whale with its 11-foot organ. In terms of the human race, a study conducted by a 19th-century French surgeon who went by the pseudonym Jacobus showed that the Muslim Sudanese had the largest penises, measuring nearly a foot long and two inches wide. Another study performed in the 1960s by English physician Robert Chartham classified penis size according to race. According to his findings at the time, the English had the largest penises, followed by the Germans, blacks, the French, the Danish, Americans, and the Swedish.
In recent years, several men have gained celebrity status because of their prodigious penis size. Among these men who are in the running for the biggest penis in the world is actor and writer Jonah Falcon; his dick measures 13 and a half inches fully erect and 9 and a half inches flaccid. Another icon is the late porn star John Holmes; his measured twelve inches or so. These men were born with it; what about men who are not as well-endowed as these two? For them, there are several options available.
The most scientific way to go about it would be to undergo phalloplasty, or penile surgery. However, this is not recommended except in the most extreme cases since –- as with all other kinds of surgery -- there is a risk of infection and failure. Plus, surgery is very expensive. Another option is to use penis enlargement devices that work on the principle of traction. These devices, which are worn on the penis for a certain period of time, stretch the penis to increase blood storage capacity and replicate tissues. Many men also perform exercises, such as jelqing, which they believe will give them the biggest penis in the world. What about those advertisements in the back pages of magazines, the ones that hawk pills that promise larger penises? These ads should be taken with a grain of salt. According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, a penis simply cannot be made larger by popping any pill. And devices such as penis pumps can do more harm than good.
Men who are overly concerned about penis size probably shouldn’t be. According to the Alfred C. Kinsey Institute for Sex Research, the average penis length is around six inches while the average girth is around four and a half inches. Also, surveys show that most women think that men are overly hung up on how well-hung they are. In fact, penis size isn’t considered important in how women judge a man’s lovemaking. Having the biggest penis in the world may be impossibility; but being realistic, self-confident and content with what one has is.
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Expect the Best, or Expect the Worst?
Natural breast enlargement alternatives such as herbal pills, naturally derived pills that are not herbal in nature, vaccum devices, natural creams and massage are becoming a more popular way to enhance the shape, size and firmness of breasts.
So what should you realistically expect? What kinds of stories are the typical testimonial to their success? And how can you help assure that you will achieve greater results and success if you chose one of these natural alternatives of augmentation?
Believe it or not, women who go into a natural breast enhancement program or treatment with a positive, determined attitude are the ones who are most likely going to have the greatest success in alternatively altering their breast size.
Why is this? It's simple. If you go into it with an open mind and a determination to succeed, along with the willpower to take the necessary dosages or ascribe the necessary treatment, diet or regimen, you are much more likely to come out of your natural breast enhancement experience with a positive experience, and bigger boobs to boot.
You would become a living testimonial to the fact that natural bust enlargement alternatives are not some sort of pipe dream, but are a real and effective way for MANY women to enlarge their bosoms naturally.
Why Do You Say "Many" and Not "All" Women?
I say "many" women because while it is true that it can and has worked on many women, and men for that matter, it does not work on all. Some people just do not have enough body fat, the right hormone levels, or the right interactions with natural herbs and other concoctions for the breast in order for the supplementation or other method to work.
Popping pills and/or breast massage and creams may not work to make your boobs bigger. And who knows why? It's anyone's guess really. It could be any number of reasons, since everyone's body, diet and overall lifestyle may affect the outcome.
A good way to determine what breast supplements will probably work best, make sure you examine reviews and testimonials for various products that are on the market. Not only that, see if they offer a good "no fine print" money back option if you see no results. BUT make sure you give it time before you give up. One of the most common mistakes of women enlarging their breasts nonsurgically is to give up too quickly and go on to the next product, or give up all together.
These products always take time to work. It will not usually happen in a few short weeks. If it does, you are probably in the minority. Most women do not start to see or feel any type of expansion or growth until after the first month of sticking to the dosage plan.
Side Effects - What Can Occur
Well, this is an interesting subject, because this also differs from case to case. Some people may experience mild cases of increased acne, mood swings, and other hormonally associated discomforts within the first few weeks of taking a breast enlargement supplement, while others may not experience anything at all.
Side effects, if they occur, will usually subside within the first few weeks, kind of like they would when women go on a new birth control pill or go on the pill for the first time. Birth control pills that cause breast enlargement are another subject to get into - another hotly contested debate!
Positive Side Effects, You Don't Say......
Yet another group of women may experience positive side effects from taking a supplement, such as increased sexual desire, decrease in acne and better hormonal balance. It is interesting to note, that many of the herbal breast enlargement remedies today are a slight variation of products that were actually initially developed by herbalists as natural hormonal balance enhancers for women. They just happened to also work as a breast enhancer on many women as well, and hence they began to be marketed as such.
Whatever course you take, whether it is breast augmentation surgery, natural breast supplementation, creams or pumps, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Do it for YOU, not for anyone else. If your primary goal is to feel better about yourself and enhance your self image, I say go for it!
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Who doesn't love good gift baskets? They contain a variety of goodies for your party guests or they work equally as well for birthday gifts. And gift baskets are extremely versatile; you can present a themed gift basket for just about any occasion. Remember the Easter bunny brings gift baskets too.
You can make a simple gift basket for your friendly neighborhood dog lover or dog. Go out and buy some cheap squeakers and chew toys. Maybe pick up a rawhide bone or tasty treat or two. If you know the dog's favorite dog food buy a bag or cans of it. For a fun container find a smallish cardboard box that will hold everything. Decorate the outside with bone shapes cut out of newspaper and write in black marker, 'free to good home' on the front. Then crunch up a lot of newspaper and place in the bottom to support the items. Arrange them in the box and wrap the whole thing in clear cellophane with a big white, grey or rawhide colored bow on top.
For your next bachelorette or bridal shower party gift, make up a naughty basket. You may have to venture into an adult store for some of the items. Buy your friend a year's subscription to playgirl magazine and put the first issue inside the basket. There are flavored lotions and powders you can buy in the stores. Buy and open a box of condoms to scatter around the basket. For a more romantic tone you can also add incense and candles. For a more outrageous basket, buy a blow up penis and use it as the centerpiece of the gift basket. Place items inside the basket and wrap it in red cellophane.
Of course there are plenty of family friendly kinds of gift baskets you can make for your friends and relatives, just think about what they like and what their hobbies are.
